did not really talk about what i wanted to say ytd..

saturday & sunday i cooped myself at home, in my room. Either with my laptop watching anime, or in front of the tv watching some drama, not even joining in the conversation when gors were chatting on the dinning table. Speaking, formation of words seem to have not appear in me. The only few words i remember saying were "gor, mummy, papa, and bye bye (to papa)" I never smile, just a seal lips, no laughter. I did not realize i am losing my voice by not speaking until ken told me so when he called, but i realize i dunno what i could to him, words simply did not formed, and there was only very slight voice coming out.

monday i headed to work the usual, but in a unusual silence. so many thoughts hit me when i was walking to work. I did talk when i was suppose to visit my boss in his office. He ask me how is everything, are things manageable, what is the difference between school and here. Hmmm...at that moment i presented myself well. After that i cooped myself back to my lab..wanted to skip lunch, but violet bought for me le..so just guai guai eat..she was trying to speak to me on some issues, but realize she could not really hear my voice and spoke:

"sharilyn, you seem to have change, from 1st sept to today, you seem to have quieten down a lot..no longer having the loud cheerful voice and coming down to peep.."

After lunch, i was haunted by this sentence..really? unknowingly i changed from the day i step into my ITP venue, till today the 4th week. I was wondering to myself, who I really was? Why am I here? What am i suppose to be? 10 years later, what job am i going to hold? I realize i have no goals at all, no plans at all. I realize how much I have change. Xiao Hai Zi then told me, I lost my cheerfulness, i lost my laughter, i lost my smiles, I lost my confidence, I lost my hyperactive. Kind of a total change person from his xiao jie jie. Then I wondered, what kind of person i was to others? Was i attracting a lot of attention? was i a loud person?

The cheerfulness I once had, the smile though not pretty, but it was happiness in it. The jokes accompanied by laughter, the zi high drugs which can make me blog the whole time, make the people around me smile and laugh with me, or laugh at me for zi highing..

I wondered where they have gone too..

Today, stanley said a sentence that really told me, the current me is not me "Sharilyn, you have been like a zombie for the past 2 days"

Why did i put myself down? why did i let my cheerfulness, laughter, smiles disappear?, why have i lost confidence? why why why, was the question floating in my brain. This few days were indeed weak, cos as long as i sit down and think tears will swell in my eyes. Not only tears, but i was kind of injected my cold and unfeeling, and locking myself alone.

Today, i realize i miss a lot of people, i miss alcina, i miss joyce, i miss rachel, i miss xuan, i miss taby, i miss hwee, and of course I miss myself. Where have the me gone too? Where have the cheerfulness that Vic have ask me to stay in, poof to?

I believe i can stand again. I can stand again. I can find my cheerfulness, my laughter and smiles back. I dun want lose my voice, i dun want lose my friends, i dun want lose my family, I dun want lose myself in the mist of growing up.

I believe i can do it..i hope i can do it..i think i can do it..hopefully~

*gor coming to fetch me after work...*

1:08 PM sHaRiLyN LiM